When I was 33, I got my first big HR leadership role. From the outside, it looked like a win. Bigger title, bigger team, bigger responsibility. Everyone congratulated me.
What nobody saw was that I cried most nights. I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t know how to handle the team member who undermined me in meetings. I didn’t know how to push back on my boss without sounding defensive. I didn’t know if I was being too soft or too hard, and I was terrified someone would find out I was making it up as I went.
So I did what most new leaders do. I smiled through the day, said “Yep, all good” when anyone asked, then went home and fell apart.
Nobody was coming. No coach. No mentor. No one I felt safe enough to admit it to.
I’m telling you this because I know some of you are in that place right now. Maybe you’re new in the role. Maybe you’ve been leading for years and it’s just got harder. Either way, there’s a moment most leaders know and don’t talk about.
It’s usually late. The team’s gone home, the inbox is still full, and there’s a decision you don’t know how to make. A conversation you’ve been putting off. Someone on your team who’s struggling. A boss who wants more, faster, with less.
If that’s you, I want you to know two things. The first is that it’s not a personal failing. Leadership development has always been reserved for the few, usually the most senior people, usually once a year, usually long after the moment they actually needed it.
The second is that you don’t have to do it alone.
Why leaders don’t ask for help
I’ve coached leaders for nearly two decades, and the pattern is almost always the same. The more capable someone is, the less likely they are to put their hand up.
Some of it is pride. Some of it is fear of looking like they can’t cope. And a lot of it is simple logistics: who would you even ask? Your manager might be part of the problem. Your peers are competing for the next role. Your team needs you to have the answers.
So you work it out on your own. You Google “how to have a difficult conversation” at 11pm. You replay the meeting in the shower. You make the call and hope it was the right one.
At 33, I thought needing help meant I wasn’t cut out for leadership. It took me years to learn that asking for help isn’t the opposite of strength. It’s what strength looks like when it’s being smart.
What I wish someone had told me: 7 ways to get support when nobody’s offering it
1. Name what you’re actually stuck on. “I’m overwhelmed” is hard to solve. “I don’t know how to tell Sam his work isn’t good enough” is something you can get help with. Before you ask anyone for help, write down the specific situation in one sentence.
2. Build a personal board of advisors. You don’t need one perfect mentor. You need three or four people for different things: someone who’s been in your role, someone outside your organisation, someone who’ll tell you the truth, and someone who simply backs you. Most of them will never know they’re on your “board”, and that’s fine.
3. Ask for small, specific help. “Will you mentor me?” is a big ask and easy to decline. “Could I get 20 minutes to talk through how you handled your first restructure?” is easy to say yes to. Small asks get answered.
4. Find a peer who’s at your level. Another leader, at a similar stage, ideally in a different team or organisation. Meet once a month for coffee, and have one rule: you both bring something you’re genuinely stuck on. It’s the cheapest coaching you’ll ever get.
5. Think out loud before the hard moments, not after. Most of us replay difficult conversations afterwards. Flip it. Spend ten minutes before the meeting talking it through or writing down what you want to say, what they might say, and how you want to feel walking out.
6. Tell one person the truth. You don’t need to tell your whole team you’re struggling. But you need one person who knows. Carrying it entirely alone is what turns a hard season into burnout. It’s what turned my hard season into crying most nights.
7. Stop waiting for permission to be developed. If your organisation isn’t investing in you, invest in yourself. Read, listen, ask, practise. Your growth is too important to leave to a training budget that may never come.
What support actually needs to look like
When I talk to leaders about what would have helped them, the answers are rarely about a two-day offsite or a thick binder of frameworks. They want three things:
Support in the moment. Not six weeks later at the next session. Before the meeting. The night before the hard conversation. When they’re stuck right now.
Somewhere safe. A place to think out loud, test an idea, or admit “I have no idea what I’m doing” without it ending up in a performance review.
Something practical. A question to ask, a way to open the conversation, a next step they can take tomorrow.
That’s what I needed at 33. It’s not a big ask. But for most leaders, it’s never been available.
So I built it
This is why I created Worksparks.
For years I’ve watched brilliant, well-intentioned leaders struggle in silence because coaching was too expensive, too slow or simply not offered to them. I wanted to put real leadership support in the hands of anyone who leads, whenever they need it.
Worksparks is an AI-powered leadership coach, built on the frameworks I’ve used with thousands of leaders. It’s there at 11pm before the difficult conversation. It’s there when you’re new in the role and don’t want anyone to know you’re unsure. And for leaders with teams, there’s a Team tier, so you can give your people the support you never had.
It’s the coach I wish I’d had when I was 33 and crying at the kitchen table.
And today, I’m excited to share the new Worksparks site – https://worksparks.com/
I’d love your help
Here’s where I practise what I preach and ask. Have a look at the new site and try Worksparks free for 14 days. Then tell me honestly what you think. What helped? What’s missing? What would make you use it every week?
I’m building this for leaders like you, and your feedback will shape what comes next.
And if you know a leader who’s quietly struggling, especially someone new in the role, forward this to them. It might be the thing they need to read tonight.
Because nobody’s coming to save you. But you really don’t have to do it alone.
Sonia x